Autism, by definition, comes with a set of social difficulties that will manifest differently in every individual. Some of us struggle with reciprocal conversation and eye contact while others struggle with the “natural” flow of turn-taking within games and sharing of interests.
Wherever the challenge lies specifically, it appears to be a universal experience among people on the spectrum to have difficulty making and keeping friends.
Some people incorrectly assume that we don’t want friendships or aren’t interested in connecting with others. It’s important to note that just because someone has difficulty with something doesn't mean they aren’t interested in it.
In fact, many autistic people report feeling isolated and longing for friendships but are unsure of how to pursue them.
As someone diagnosed with autism who provides social skills instruction to kids and teens on the spectrum, here are 3 tips for making friends when your brain works differently:
1. “Find your tribe”. Autistic people tend to have strong interests in certain topics. This can be used as a way of connecting with other people. Even those with “unusual” interests (like ceiling fans, insects, or flags), can find others who share that interest with them. It just might take some internet research to find those groups, but they’re definitely out there! People on the spectrum often have the ability to retain large amounts of information regarding their area of interest and are often an asset to any special interest group!
2. Don’t be discouraged by age differences. Younger children may find it easier to get along with older children. The opposite is true as well. Older children can be appealing to interact with because they’re less likely to make spontaneous loud noises and may be easier to negotiate with. Older children may also be more patient with language and social challenges. On the other hand, younger children may not notice some of the autism-related challenges as much and therefore not be caught off guard by stimming behaviors or social blunders.
3. Recognize the significance of parallel play. This is when two or more people are doing the same or similar activities in proximity to one another. This could be two children building two different Lego houses sitting on the same rug. It could be a group of teens playing different videos on the same couch or reading a book in the same room. Parallel play offers companionship without the pressure of social interaction. Feelings of companionship often lead to having a sense of community, and this can lead to increased social interactions.
I cannot stress enough the importance of having the “right” group of friends. These are people who are not only tolerant of our differences but embrace them. Sometimes we find this in people who have similar differences themselves. Other times we find this in people who like the same things we do, sometimes we find this in people who aren’t our same age.
It takes time to both find the “right people” and build friendship skills. Unfortunately, this can mean a lot of trial and error, but it’s worth it in the end when we finally see those connections begin to develop!